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February 10, 2011

BOND... JAMES BOND




















Hi nice profile, your looking hot... what do you like to do for fun during the week?

RE: BOND... JAMES BOND

let me quote my profile:

"I am NOT looking for a long distance relationship. I live in West Hollywood and don't want to take the 405, the 10 or the 101 anywhere for a relationship. I'm not a driver."

you live in long beach.  can you read?

and i'm looking hot?  you really know how to woo a girl.  you're a lawyer with a grad degree.  are you really reduced to such language?

and why do you want to know what i like to do "during" the week?  i mean, doesn't everyone work during the week?  during the week i like to come home from work, eat dinner, maybe watch some television and go to bed.  i just find that so strange.  why wouldn't you ask me what i like to do on the weekends when in theory i wouldn't have to work and would have time to do something interesting?

well bond... james bond, here you go:  during the week i "like" it if i can make it home by 8pm.  i "like" it if i can get to bed by midnight.  on monday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "the bachelor."  on tuesday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "the biggest loser."  on wednesday i "like" it if i can eat dinner while watching "american idol."  same on thursday.  and well that takes us to the weekend which doesn't interest you.

so there you go.  my action packed weeks.  i hope they bore you enough to go away.  you live in long beach and told me i was "looking hot."  i want no part of that meal deal.

HELLO :)




















You sound extremely interesting! ;) And
your beautiful...would love to chat
sometime. How was your day?

RE: HELLO :)

i'm so sorry, but i'm fickle.  i'm bothered by people who don't take the time to write properly, or proof read what they've written.  by using "your" when you were supposed to use "you're", it indicated to me that you either got an f in high school grammar or didn't care enough to write me a proper message.  i'm not impressed.

besides, you're looking for a woman who knows how to treat a man.  i didn't take that course in college.  i just know how to build a lasting relationship.

February 9, 2011

IMPOSSIBLE.....

















My God....You're Audry Hepburn's incarnate.
You're simply......"Perfection" in image. Consider yourself bowed to and hand gently kissed with humility and adoration.
Respectfully,
Merrick

RE: IMPOSSIBLE.....

merrick.  i'd rather you not bow to me.  i know you say that it's with humility, but i find it a bit humiliating.  and perfection is a lot to live up to. i don't think i can bear that label.  it's too heavy a burden.

now 41 is a bit older than i'd like, and divorced is a bit of baggage i'd prefer not carry, but it's actually other things that make me think our puzzle might not get finished.  so i'm just going to take your profile and give you some tips:

first, quoting corinthians could turn some women away.  me for example.  if i need to go to "1st corinthians 13:1 - 13" in order to as you say, "know me and what i hope for," well, not only do i not have a bible to refer to, i don't really buy into the whole bible thing.  but even if i had one, i'd rather you just tell me about you and what you hope for instead of having to research it.

second, grammar is very important in making a good impression.  your disastrous annihilation of the english language really let me down.  for example, your first paragraph is full of punctuation errors: 

To know me and know who I hope for.....(improper use of ellipses)Go to 1st Corinthians 13:1 - 13 (consider using quotation marks when quoting something)Yeah I will give all that I am....(improper use of ellipses)My wealth(consider using spaces between all of these words)devotion,patience,understanding,unconditional love,lust for you(consider using a space here)and no other,(improper use of comma)....(improper use of ellipses)everything.....(improper use of ellipses)to "The One" who understands and believes in us(review this whole sentence for punctuation, it is quite a run-on sentence).

this paragraph really caught my attention, but not in a good way.  sadly it said to me, at the age of 41, he hasn't learned when you can bend the principles of grammar and when you can't. but then i find out it's not 41, but 45!

the final straw that broke the camel's back was this statement: "I'm actually 45, not 41. Silly site won't let me correct it on my profile."

ummmm... (proper use of ellipses) it's actually quite easy to change your age on this site.  you just put in your proper birthday.  go to profile, go to "about me" and it's right there, date of birth.  put it the right one with the right year and bam!  your age is changed.

if you are so easily stumped, well, stick to faith.  it'll take you a lot farther.

February 5, 2011

HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND















Hi I'm Andrew,

How was your weekend?

Anything exciting planned for the Superbowl?

RE: HOW WAS YOUR WEEKEND

oh andrew...  andrew, andrew, andrew.  my weekend was great.  i hope yours was too.  sorry i'm so late in getting back to you.  since my eagles aren't playing, i'm not so pumped about the superbowl.  but i'm sure it'll be fab.

so.  andrew.  this is a joke, right?  i mean you're setting me up.  you didn't really think we'd go out did you?  you were expecting this response, that's why you wrote about the superbowl isn't it?

ok, my favorite thing to do is check-in to a hotel on a random weekend to escape my house and indulge in room service and watch pay-per-view.  it's pretty much that or luxuriate in a fabulous suite at a five star hotel in some chic city around the world.  that would be my perfect vacation.  your perfect vacation is "the family cabin northwest of yosemite. electricity is from a generator and water from a stream with over 50 acres of pristine wilderness, the privacy and seclusion heightens the appreciation for the spectacular nature surrounding the cabin."  

50 acres from electricity or running water?  that's a long ass haul.  dude.  where do you take a shit?  cuz i don't do that little hut covering a hole in the ground.

andrew, i think we're cut from a different cloth.  mine might be toille and yours might be brown jersey.  and while mine got cut into a corseted gown, yours was unfortunately cut into a pair of clingy elvis pants.  that are brown.  remember my dress is toille.  and it's fortunate that yours are brown because when you poop in your little hole in the ground you won't have to wipe.  see, there's an upside to everything.  :)

February 4, 2011

RE: RE: POLITICS

hey -s, i know you never got back to me, but i just had to write you again.  i got to thinking about your civil war reenactments.  i mean i might understand reenacting a war that was won, but you lost.  and yet you continue to reenact it?  it's not like you find people in minnesota or california reenacting the civil war.  it's only the secessionist states that like to celebrate the loss by holding farcical battles between the blue and the grey that are so lifelike it's just plain creepy.  and the worst thing about it is the reason you are holding these events is to, what, celebrate slavery?  because that's really what the war was about.  so why spend your time dressing up in military garb only to prove that you lost a war that gave slaves their freedom when what you really wanted to do was keep them in order to work on your plantations.

hey -s.... do you have a plantation?

ALEX



















If only everything in the world could be as pretty as your 'diamond eyes' ! Very unique indeed!

Did you know that the eyes are the window to the soul? I think I love your soul!

~AleX

RE: ALEX

oh my god, alex, puh-lease.  "my diamond eyes"?  you "love my soul"? 

you know you guys who live in other cities just crack me up.  you live in seattle, but you'll be in los angeles "for a couple weeks" and want to find a woman here to "treat like a princess."  what is this, "pretty woman"?  oh wait, i'm not a prostitute.  and i'm not looking for a sugardaddy. 

you're going to have to use those lines on someone else.  this girl ain't biting.

February 3, 2011

TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE


















Dearest Code name,

I'm glad your pinchers are miniatures; when I was a little guy, my neighbor had a BIG pincher, and she chased me down across the street one day, and I was convinced Satan's Hound was hot on my trail, until she jumped up on me and started licking my face. Apparently, she loved kids, and wanted to get a taste of my after-school snack face.

I very much enjoyed reading your profile! But I have a hard time believing you're a professional Free Poker player. I'm going to assume your career is in fashion, and I think that's pretty exciting. I'm a professional musician; I perform, write, teach, record, and ponder music all the live long day. It's what I've always wanted to do, and now that I'm doing it, I can't imagine any other life.

So, I just wanted to drop you a line to say hello, and introduce myself. Drop me a line sometime, if you're up for it. Hope you're having a great week!

T.J.

RE: TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE


















Are you going to get in touch with me or what? C'mon, a cup of coffee and a smoke certainly can't do any harm, aside from what the surgeon general has so dutifully disclosed...

;)

T.J.

RE: RE: TALL AND BOLD LIKE A GOOD CUP OF COFFEE

well here's the thing... i don't think we have a lot in common. 

for fun you enjoy the beach, hiking and driving up or down the coast for the afternoon.  i don't like the beach (too much sand), hate to hike (too much exercise), and despise driving (i don't drive). 

your favorite hot spots are all in los angeles.  when i think of hot spots i think of various spots around the world, or the country, or even just in california...  but to confine myself to local pubs and live music venues just feels so, well, small.

you favorite things are simply music: Jesse Sykes and the Sweet Hereafter, Bonnie "Prince" Billy, Elliot Smith,  among others.  there's nothing else in the world that you love?  that interests you?  that you're passionate about?

and while i love that you've read a lot, you have a cat, and i'm allergic to cats...

when you write about yourself you write about "the stages of beard removal" and go into great detail what it is like to grow, have, and slowly remove a beard - something that explains a lot about you.  and frankly, i'm not a fan of facial hair. 

then there's the standard stuff:  "I love to live and laugh, and I'm looking for someone adventurous and kind to laugh along with me... work keeps me pleasantly busy and excited at all times... I do enjoy discovering new restaurants, bars, and museums, especially with the right companion... And that's why I'm here! Hope to hear from you sometime!"  and that standard match stuff is exactly what i'm not looking for.  in my profile it says i've heard it all: will you be my partner in crime?  shall we dance?  that's what i equate to what you wrote (other than the the facial hair removal stuff which in all honesty, besides my not liking facial hair, kind of creeped me out).

i'm sorry.  i wouldn't have broken it down like this, but you wrote twice, and in order to keep from getting a third, i thought i'd just send this so you'd know why i wasn't writing back. 

but i'm crazy picky.  like insanely so.  i'm sure there are a million girls who love the beach, driving along the coast and listening to live music.  things like that are incredibly simple.  and finding someone to share those things with shouldn't be too hard.  i'm just a fashionista who likes to be pampered in a pathetically luxurious way.  i know you will find someone.